Meet Our New Baby Girl!

Here is my daughter! Not too bad, eh? This is a profile view. That's her head on the right, and if you look closely you can make out a nose, mouth and chin. Her official due date is July 24, 2010, but the baby doctor has requested her presence a week early.


We're taking suggestions for names. I like "Olivia." Our church is on Olive in St. Louis, so I like that connection. I thought "Olivia" was very unique, until I learned that it's the sixth most popular name for baby girls. I also like Amelia Faith---Amelia means work, or industrious. Faith and works---get it? Christina is compiling her list. I'll post a poll here and put the matter to a non-binding vote as soon as we've narrowed it down to several options.

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You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. ~ Psalm 139:13

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Week 3: "Repent!," Part 2

How to repent? That was the question. I'm not sure that I have an answer, but I'll tell you about my experience of this week. I started with fasting and prayer. I spent some time with Psalm 51, asking God to give me a "broken and contrite heart" about sin in my life. Right away, I realized that I needed to get specific about the sin issue. There was no point in asking God to break my heart about the rather vague idea that I had sinned.

In Richard Foster's wonderful book, Celebration of Discipline, he devotes a chapter to the topic of confession and describes how he got specific about his own sin. Following Foster's example, I divided my life into three time periods: pre-conversion (birth to age 17); post conversion but pre-marriage (18 to 25), and marriage to present (26 to 35). I then dedicated about ten minutes of prayer to each part of my life, asking God to bring to my mind whatever sins he wanted me to repent of and confess. I wrote down everything that came to mind.

Then, several times this week, I went back to God in prayer about the things on the list. I prayed for God to give me sorrow about my list of sins---to give me a broken and contrite heart. Then, I waited to receive my flogging---the flogging that would make me feel so bad that I would break down and cry. And, I waited. And, it didn't come.

I was praying about this all again Friday morning as I drove to work, and an image came into my mind. I believe it was God's answer to my prayers. The image was of me and my three year old son, Ethan. Let me explain. Often after Ethan is punished for some infraction or offense, he is still upset after the punishment is over. I always remind him that he would feel much better if he would just say "sorry." Sometimes, he gives me a huffy "sorry" and runs off still in a pout. Pride has gotten the better of him. But, sometimes, something wonderful happens. He comes into my arms, gives me a hug, tells me that he's sorry, and cries a few tears. I say, "I love you. I forgive you. It's OK." Then, it's over. I wipe away the tears and hold a tissue while he blows his nose. He goes back to his play and adventures like nothing ever happened. That was the image that came to my mind, and I felt that God was saying it was a picture of repentance. As I began to grasp the meaning of this image, I felt that the still small voice of God was saying, "Just come into my arms, Nathan. I forgive you. It's OK." Yes, I finally shed a few tears. Tears of sorrow. But, they were also tears of joy and relief and freedom.

Looking back now, it seems so obvious that this is exactly what repentance would be. Father calls us into His arms so that we can say, "sorry." He doesn't need to hear us say it. He knows that we need to say it for ourselves, before we can move on from the guilt and weight of our mistakes. This is the first part of repentance---sincerely telling Father that we're sorry and receiving his forgiveness. It releases us to do what remains of repentance. What remains is to make a sincere commitment to walk in obedience. That commitment is, I hope, what this project is about.

"What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it---we're called children of God! That's who we really are." ~ 1 John 3:1 (The Message)

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Week 3: "Repent!," Part 1

"From that time on Jesus began to preach, "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near." ~ Matthew 4:17

I'm long overdue for some repentance. At the outset this week, I wanted a good definition of repentance, and I looked to dictionaries, commentaries, and sermon transcripts. The consensus is that repentance involves sincere regret about past sin and a commitment to turn away from it. I like the way Wayne Grudem puts it in his Systematic Theology: "Repentance is a heartfelt sorrow for sin, a renouncing of it, and a sincere commitment to forsake it and walk in obedience to Christ."

When I first came to Jesus, I felt sorrow over sin in my life, but as years went by that feeling grew weak. True repentance hasn't been a consistent part of my Christian life. I can't remember the last time I felt genuine heartfelt sorrow over my sin. When I ask for forgiveness it sounds something like: "God I messed up. I shouldn't have done that. Please forgive me." There's nothing wrong with a simple prayer like that if it's sincere. The Bible doesn't tell us that repentance involves any magic words. But, I know in my heart that I've become far too casual about receiving God's grace. "Casual" is not the picture of repentance that we see in the Bible. See Jonah 3:5-9 (people of Nineveh proclaimed a fast and put on sackcloth, with the king proclaiming that everyone should turn from their violent ways); 1 Kings 21:27 (King Ahab repented by humbling himself, tearing his clothes, putting on sackcloth and fasting).

I am committing to a greater level of obedience with this project, but I am now reminded that repentance and obedience must go hand and hand. Obedience without repentance was the formula of the Pharisees, and it led to legalism, spiritual pride and hypocrisy.

Sincere repentance is something that needs to be a regular part of my life. As Grudem says: "It is important to realize that faith and repentance are not confined to the beginning of the Christian life. They are rather attitudes of heart that continue throughout our lives as Christians." His conclusion is supported by several passages in the New Testament:

"If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him." ~ Luke 17:3 (Jesus speaking to his disciples)

"Those who oppose [the Lord's servant], he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance . . . ." ~ 2 Timothy 2:25 (the Apostle Paul instructing Timothy about leading the church)

"I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance." ~ 2 Corinthians 7:9 (the Apostle Paul to the church at Corinth)

"Those whom I love, I reprove and chasten; so be zealous and repent." ~ Rev. 3:19(the risen Christ to the church at Laodicea)

Most telling is that Jesus instructed that we should daily pray like this: "And forgive us our sins as we also have forgiven those who sin against us." Matthew 6:12.

So, what now? What am I supposed to do? This project is about doing stuff, after all. Repentance, however, isn't about doing stuff. It is about sorrow over sin and inward change of heart. Outward changes will come as a result of repentance, but repentance is the inward change not the outward. Jesus is commanding our emotions, and a sincere response is not something that we can work up on our own. This is why the Apostle Paul suggests in 2 Timothy 2:25 (above) that repentance is "granted" by God.

It appears then that I can only ask God to grant me repentance---to give me sorrow over sin in my life and a greater conviction to obey Him. I don't think I've ever prayed: "God, please give me sorrow about my sin."

In Biblical examples, repentance is often accompanied by fasting. I don't know whether fasting in those examples is a response to inward change or a practice that helped people become open to God's work. Whichever is the case, I don't think it could hurt to pray and fast. That's how I'll begin.

Week 2: Forgiving Father, Part 2

I had a speech prepared for the talk with my Dad. When I sat down with him this week, however, I forgot the speech and managed something like this: "So, um, Dad, I wanted to say something to you. It's about your drinking. It's hurt a lot watching you doing that to yourself. It hurt pretty bad when I was a kid. You kind of weren't around when I needed you. But, um, I just wanted you to know that I have forgiven you. I mean, I do forgive you. I don't hold any of it against you. So, I just wanted you to know that I love you, and I'm praying for you."

That was it. There wasn't much conversation. I'm not sure how Dad felt. He didn't reject what I was saying. His eyes got moist. He said that he was going to try to stop drinking again. There was no apology and no acknowledgment that he had ever done anything wrong. Dad, for now, is just not willing or able to go there. It's sad, because until there is some repentance by him I don't think our relationship will be fully restored.

For me, the process felt awkward but also liberating. I left things unsaid that I had planned to say, but I think I said what needed to be said. So, where do I go from here? I suppose that I go on as before. By God's grace, I have been able to forgive Dad. I feel good about finally offering that forgiveness to him. I don't know how it impacted him, or how it might still impact him. I hope that it blessed him. Maybe, it will help him make peace with God. All I can do is continue loving him and praying for him.

I do want to be careful not to suggest by my posts this week that the forgiveness of deep hurts is easily accomplished in a week's time. Forgiving Dad has been a long process. Every time I think I've completed the process, I realize that God has more to do. If any of you struggle with issues of forgiveness, I recommend to you a book by Lewis B. Smedes, "Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve." The great thing about Smedes is that he acknowledges that the forgiving of deep hurts is a slow and difficult process. He describes reconciliation as the "climax" of forgiveness---the point at which repentance meets pardon:

Forgiveness has creative power to move us away from a past moment of pain, to unshackle us from our endless chain of reactions, and to create a new situation in which both the wrongdoer and the wronged can begin a new way.

Forgiveness offers a chance at reconciliation; it is an opportunity for a life together instead of death together. Forgiveness is a miracle of the will that moves away the hindrance to fellowship, a miracle that will be fulfilled when the two estranged people come together in as fair a new relationship as is possible at that time and under those circumstances.

On the other hand, Smedes acknowledges that full reconciliation is not always possible and commends the forgiveness of even the unrepentant.

[W]e need to forgive the unrepentant for our own sake. We need to forgive people who do not care if only so that we do not drown in our own misery. . . . The climax of forgiveness takes two, I know. But you can have the reality of forgiving without its climax. You do not always need a thing whole to enjoy it at all. A [flower bud] has real beauty even if it never becomes a flower. . . . Forgiving is real even if it stops at healing the forgiver.

Week 2: Forgiving Father, Part 1

"Forgive as the Lord forgave you." -- Coloss. 3:13b

I've been in the process of forgiving my dad for eighteen years. He's an alcoholic. I don't remember exactly when he started drinking, but I think I was eight or nine years old. He would come home from work and make himself a cocktail and then drink all evening and into the night. By 2:00 or 3:00 AM, he would be sick and throwing up in the bathroom adjacent to my bedroom. I would wake up to the sound of it, thinking he was dying. I prayed for him every night for years, asking God to help him, to change things. Nothing changed. I started giving God ultimatums. "Do something. Help him. Stop this, or I'm not going to believe in you anymore, and I'm not going to love my dad anymore." And, nothing changed. I prayed, "God, just show me yourself, and I'll still believe. I just want to see you." Nothing happened. One night, I swore an oath to myself that I wouldn't believe in God anymore and that I wouldn't love Dad anymore. As a teenager, I called myself an atheist. The truth is, I believed, but I hated God. And, I hated Dad.

Dad's sin hurt me, and the hurt left scars. Being a child is supposed to be about feeling safe, protected and secure in your parents' love and protection. Children of alcoholics lose their childhood, as we're introduced to worry, fear and responsibility too soon. When I needed Dad most during my teenage years, he was in the house but his mind and heart belonged to the alcohol.

But, here's good news. God answers prayers. As a boy, I laid in bed, weeping and praying that God would show himself to me. I didn't get the response I wanted, when I wanted it. But God heard that prayer, and He has been revealing Himself to me for the last eighteen years. He did it first through a high school friend, who was kind to me and talked about life and God with me. My heart began to soften. One summer afternoon when I was seventeen years old, I was home alone and sat down determined to read the Gospel of Matthew starting at Chapter One, Verse One. Something profound happened, when I reached this passage:

Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they lead him away to crucify him.

Matthew 27:27-31(NIV). In my mind, I could see Jesus as he was beaten, spat upon, and shamed. In that moment, Jesus became very real to me. God had shown himself to me as I had asked years earlier, but this was not the God I had expected. A sorrow settled over me and then a weight came upon me---the weight of my own sin, the weight of my anger and hate for God. But, I didn't know what to do about it. As I finished Matthew's Gospel, the phone rang. It was a Southern Baptist pastor from a local church that my mom had visited. He wanted to come see Mom. "She's not home," I said. "Well," he said, "can I come talk with you?" I had never met the man. "O.K., I guess." He came over, and it wasn't long before we were on our knees, and he led me through the sinner's prayer.

Since that day, God has done miraculous things in me. He has taken my heart of stone and turned it to flesh. He's taught me about love, trust, and joy. As for Dad, I don't hate him. I pray for him and wish him well. I've learned to love him again, albeit cautiously. In my own heart, I've forgiven him. I have, however, never offered that forgiveness to Dad. I've never said, "You hurt me, and I forgive you for it. I don't hold it against you." I think I've never done it, because I'm afraid of his response. I'm afraid he'll reject it or won't care.

Today, Dad's drinking has taken him to death's doorstep. He's wheelchair bound, having fallen several times in drunken stupors sustaining leg injuries. The alcohol has almost destroyed every organ in his body. He's been in and out of detox a couple times, and quit AA. The only thing that slows down his drinking is that he can't get out of the house by himself. Sometimes he pays a neighbor to buy liquor and sneak it to him. In all these years, Dad has never said that he's sorry or acknowledged that he's done anything wrong.

What does it mean then, for me to forgive Dad as God forgives? I'm not sure, but here is what I've concluded as I've prayed about it the last week. God offers forgiveness to us all. He calls us to receive His grace and forgiveness. He doesn't wait until we come begging for it. He offers forgiveness, and then it's a question of what we do with it. Do we receive it and find grace and freedom, or do we pridefully reject it? To forgive Dad as God forgave me means that I need to go to him and offer him my forgiveness, hoping for reconciliation but willing to take the risk that it will be rejected. I believe that is what it means for me to obey God's call to forgive as he forgives.

Why The James 1:22 Project?

A few friends have asked why I started this blog, and I didn't have a ready response. Honestly, I don't want to get too caught up with thinking about the "why." I want this to be about simply doing what God says. I have, however, thought about the "why" question. While I'm between regular posts, here's my attempt at an answer. There are, I think, really three "why" questions. Why bother about obeying the Bible? Why go about obedience in such a studied and contrived manner? Why blog about it?

Why bother about obeying the Bible? Obedience brings glory to God; this is the first and foremost reason. Second, obedience is the appropriate response to the grace and forgiveness that I have received through Jesus. Third, God rewards obedience.

Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him. -- John 14:21 (NIV).

Why go about obedience in such a studied and contrived manner? As I read the Bible, I see that I'm failing to do what God commands in many areas. Although I don't expect to achieve perfection, I am called to work out my salvation. I've learned that when I don't plan to obey and don't live intentionally, obedience does not happen spontaneously. Although I will be focusing on one command each week, my hope is that this project will have a lasting, life-changing impact.

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed--not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence--continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. --Phil. 2:12 (NIV).

Why blog about it? First, I won't complete this project if I'm doing it on my own. Blogging will provide me some accountability and motivation to keep going. I know that I will receive strength and encouragement from you--my dear friends and family who are following my progress.

And, Jonathan, Saul's son, rose and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God. -- 1 Samuel 23:16 (ESV).

Second, I find great value in the process of writing, especially writing for others. As I strive to write well, I know that I will also be striving to think well. This will lead to new ideas and insights.

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium. -- Norbet Platt

Week 1: Caring for Widows, Part 2

My eyesight isn't very good, so I have a "large print" Bible. And, I don't like those flimsy thin pages that some Bibles have. I like nice thick paper that you can write on, and I like wide margins. So, my Bible is not one of those cute little stylish Bibles. It's a big black leather bound Bible that you can't mistake for anything else. It's the kind of Bible that if you walk down the street with it in your hand, people get out of your way. On the other hand, I discovered this evening that when you walk into the cafeteria at a nursing home with such a Bible in your hand many of the old folks will assume you're a pastor and will want to talk with you and will ask you to pray for them.

On my way to the home from work this evening, I was thinking about my visit with Grandma. I knew that she wouldn't recognize me. I didn't know what I could say, so I decided to bring my Bible. If conversation is impossible, I thought, maybe I can just read her some scripture.

Grandma was in the cafeteria for dinner. I sat next to her. She said that I reminded her of someone. I told her that I was her grandson, Nathan. That fact never really registered with her. We did talk some about Grandpa, her kids, and places she lived probably fifty years ago. I think she finally decided that I was an old neighbor, which is actually true. She lived next door to my parents for a few years. She seemed happy to have a visitor, even if she never figured out who I was. I finally read her Romans 8, prayed for her, and gave her a hug and a kiss.

While I was there, I chatted with several other old ladies who shared Grandma's table. Like I said, they all assumed at first that I was some sort of pastor. Surprisingly, they weren't too disappointed when I told them I'm a lawyer. The older generation must have a higher opinion of lawyers.

Betty, who sat across the table from Grandma, was my favorite. Betty misses her husband. She's looking forward to dying and seeing him again in heaven, because he was a believer like her. "Is it wrong to look forward to dying?," she asks. She has a Bible verse in mind, but can't find it. It's something about if you believe you will never die. We figure out that it's John 11:25-26a:

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

Betty's dad and her husband were both professors at the University of Illinois. Many summers ago, Betty and her daughter rode bicycles from Oregon all the way back to Illinois. They camped along the way. When I left, I promised Grandma and Betty and the others that I would be back for dinner next Monday.